Playing With Your Food
by Melli
Summary: YAOI! Written on a bagel/grapes/McDonald's high while on a sleep-over with my fellow yaoi addict friends. It's supposed to be funny! LxV Rated R for LOTS of suggestiveness, but no actual hardcore yaoi.


Playing With Your Food  
(Camp counselors Nina, Emerald, Avalon, and Melloss are sitting around a campfire with a group of a dozen young campers. They're roasting marshmallows and making s'mores just before bedtime.)  
  
Melloss: Time for ghost stories!  
  
Emerald: Yeah, who wants to tell a story?  
  
Avalon: How about Nina-san?  
  
Nina: But I suck at ghost stories!  
  
Mel: You don't have to tell a scary story. Anything you can think of.  
  
Nina: I don't think so...  
  
Kids: Awwww, come on Nina-san!  
  
Mel, Avy, Emmi: yeah, come on, Nina-san!  
  
Nina: Oh all right. I suppose I have an idea...Gather round, children, and I shall weave you a tale of smut and overall lemony goodness...  
  
Kids: EWWWWW!  
  
Avy: YAY!  
  
Nina: Once upon a time, on a planet known as Gunsmoke...  
  
*Begin story*  
  
The noon suns hang high in the sky. Vash the Stampede walks, dragging his arms, through the barren desert. Giant beads of sweat roll down his nose and evaporate into steam before hitting the sand.  
"OOOOOOHHHHHH! It's SO HOT!" The blonde whines, panting.  
He trudges up a sand dune, just to arrive at the top and find yet another dune to traverse.  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! No! Not another one!" deciding that he has no choice but to climbs the sand mountain, Vash sighs and reaches the top.  
When he looks out from the crest, amazingly enough, he sees not another sand obstacle, but a small town.  
"Civilization! Oh thank goodness!" Mustering all his remaining strength, the gunman sprints to the nearest saloon, muttering, "Donuts! Donuts! Donuts!"  
He stumbles into the saloon and throws himself upon the closest bar stool.  
"Alcohol! And lots of it!" he tells the bartender, who takes out a glass and fills it up with beer.  
Vash downs it in one gulp and orders more. This happens again and again and again and again. Finally, the outlaw's thirst is slaked and he relaxes, smiling and fairly drunk.  
Now that he is not distracted by his precious Kuroneko-sama beer, Vash takes a moment to notice his surroundings.  
The saloon is also an inn and fairly unremarkable. There are about half a dozen others in the room, scattered around in two's and three's at the tables. Behind the counter, the barkeep, a tall man in his twenties with short, dark hair, is cleaning glasses with a white rag absentmindedly. Two seats down, a couple of men sit, finishing off their drinks. After a moment, they get up and leave, revealing the other person sitting at the opposite end of the bar.  
Tall, dark, handsome, and half-hidden by shadows, the strangers has blue hair that falls into his face and covers one of his striking golden eyes. He wears a white trench coat with a huge sphere on the right shoulder and iron spikes protruding from it. He was chowing down on a hot fudge sundae.  
The alcohol is really getting to Vash. As the stranger brings an ice cream-filled spoon to his moist lips, the Humanoid Typhoon finds his heart beating a little faster. The stranger's enchanting eye meets Vash's own as he retracts the spoon, slowly and (is this the alcohol talking?) seductively.  
A little scared of the attraction he feels, Vash orders yet another beer, hoping to lose this new sensation in a drunken daze. Draining three more alcoholic beverages, he finds that, no, it's still there. He's still incredibly turned on by the man in the corner. Resignedly, he orders one more beer as one last attempt.  
By this time, the mysterious man has finished his sundae and makes eye contact with Vash again. Realizing he has hot fudge on his finger, the man raises his left hand to his mouth and sticks the chocolate-y finger into the hot, wet cavern. He sucks on it, pulling it in and out again and again, still watching Vash, who tries to look away, but finds himself unable to pull his gaze from the shadowy figure's visible eye.  
Vash swallows hard and looks at the bartender. Before he can say a word, another glass is filled with beer. This time he sips slowly, thinking, Whoa...What's happening? Why does that guy look so familiar? And why do I feel so...hot? Must be the alcohol. I've gotta cut down...by a lot...  
He risks a glance at the subject of his thoughts. At the time, the barkeep brings another plate over to the end of the counter, places it in front of the man, and returns to his position cleaning glasses.  
For a third time, aqua eyes meet gleaming gold eyes, and the owner of the latter picks up a hot dog from the newly-arrived plate. The meat is a foot-long hot dog, so it protrudes from the bun by quite a bit. He raises it to his lips and slides it in slowly. Vash watches as the hot dog does the same as the finger. In and out and in and out and in and out again and again and again. The blonde's breath gets faster and faster with every motion.  
When it seems Vash cannot take anymore, the blue-haired man stops. He pauses and stares at him harder and more meaningfully. Then, suddenly, he bites...hard. A moan escapes Vash's lips and he collapses on the counter.  
The bartender pours another does of amber-colored nectar and Vash drinks deeply. He feels a tingly sensation and a tightness in the crotch of his pants. Alarmed, he looks down and sees exactly what he dreads. He turns red and tries to cover up his lap in an effort to make his erection go away.  
Unfortunately for Vash, it's not that simple. He sighs, exasperated and looks at his 'special friend' across the room. During the time Vash was dealing with his...er, problem, the stranger has received another plate of food. This one contains strawberry shortcake, with an extra helping of whipped cream.  
The man inserts his left pinky into the mound of white cream and swishes it around. Vash sweats even more as the finger emerges, makes its way to those sultry, pink lips, and enters the slightly parted jaws.  
Calmly, the finger slips out and re-enters the whipped cream. Collecting a good amount of white goo, the pale, slender finger smears the tasty dessert topping all over the stranger's lips. With a sly smile, his tongue flicks out to lick the cream from his face. Vash is covered in perspiration, watching the man dip a strawberry in the sticky whipped cream and bite it.  
Reaching his limit, the infamous gunman loses consciousness, crashing to the floor and landing on his face.  
  
Next morning:  
Birds chirps and squirrels chatter in the trees. The sun shines and there's not a cloud in the sky. All in all, it is an absolutely gorgeous day on the planet Gunsmoke.  
Vash wakes up, severely hung over and with a pounding head ache. Trying to ignore his throbbing cranium, he opens his eyes and attempts to determine his location.  
It is then that he realizes there is an arm around his shoulders.  
Hmm, funny. That arm is strangely familiar...wait...It's MINE!  
With a scream, Vash jumps out of bed, buck-naked and looks at the person on the other end of the appendage, who has just awaken and is eyeing the naked man in front of him in a satisfied manner.   
"LEGATO?!" Vash yells.  
"So, you're finally awake, eh, sleepyhead? You were amazing last night!" Legato compliments a bewildered, furious, and filled with pain (all at the same time) Vash.  
The blonde finally notices his and Legato's lack of clothing and turns red while grabbing a blanket to cover up with. Then he makes the connection and screams like a little girl.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! You-I-what-uh-where...?" Vash stutters, overwhelmed by his mixed emotions.  
"You probably don't remember last night. You were really drunk," legato drawls, tracing the patterns on the sheets with his-er, Vash's index finger.  
Taking a deep breath, Vash asks, "Er, did what I think happened actually happen?" Please say no please say no please say no... He closes his eyes, bracing himself for the response.  
After a moment of silence, Legato replies, "Depends. What do you think happened?"  
"Er...you know," Vash mumbles. He receives an expectant look, as if the Gung-Ho Guns' leader doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. So Vash clarifies, "Did we, um...you know..."  
"No, what do you mean?" Now he's just trying to be annoying.  
Vash grunts and tries again. "Did you and I...Did we...Did we have sex?!" he blurts out.  
Legato smiles and nods. "And it was the best night of my life."  
It takes a second for the information to sink in, but when it does, Vash runs around the room, screaming and tearing out his hair. When he runs out of breath, he stops in front of the bed with the patient Legato.  
"Are you done?"  
Vash merely nods, still catching his breath.  
"What's the matter, Schmoo-Schmoo? You can tell your Pookey. Are you having regrets about what we did? You didn't seem worried last night."  
Of course, this isn't comforting to the gunman. "Pookey? Schmoo-Schmoo?"  
"Yes. You made me call you Schmoo-Schmoo during...ahem...I know. You must be angry about having sexual relations with me. Look, I know we're mortal enemies and all and you hate me because I'm a psycho bent on world destruction, but come on. Admit it, you had fun last night." He winks.  
Vash thinks hard, trying to recollect the previous night's events and ignore the pain in his head and...other places.  
Partial memory returns to him, and he is surprised to find it doesn't totally repulse him.  
Legato continues, "You didn't seem to mind my 'white cloak of kinkiness' or my 'sexy, strong hands' or my 'exhilaratingly long tongue of pleasure' last night." He inches over to the other side of the bed and pats the empty spot next to him. "Come, Vash. Let me...calm you down before you completely destroy the inn room."  
Reluctantly, Vash sits on the bed next to his 'special friend'. Legato leans in to kiss him-  
But they are interrupted by the door being opened by none other than Midvalley the Man Ho-er, I mean Hornfreak.  
"Hey boss, you done yet?" he inquires, ignoring their compromising positions.  
"Grrrrr! Dammit, Midvalley! I'm not ready yet! I still have fifteen more minutes!," Legato snarls.  
"Huh? What are you talking about another 15 minutes? And what's he doing here?" Vash questions, covering his exposed body with a blanket in an effort to preserve at least a scrap of dignity.  
"Don't you remember? Last night you rented your body out to a bunch of us. Legato gets you until 8AM, then I get you until 6PM, then you're passed on to Rai-Dei until 5 AM tomorrow. Finally, Ed gets his turn," Midvalley clarifies to a horrified Vash, who sees that last shred of dignity fly away.  
"Yeah, you were real drunk and real desperate for money so you made business contracts and everything. We're each paying you $$3,000, except for Ed," Legato adds.  
"Uh, Ed?" Vash asks, afraid of the answer.  
"Yeah, he's only a bartender so he can't really afford that kind of money."  
"Okay, legato, your time's up! My turn!" Midvalley yanks his boss' arm, despite loud protests, and throws him out of the inn room, locking the door behind him.  
"Um, I don't-" Vash starts.  
"Shut up, bitch!" Midvalley rips off his clothing to reveal a dominatrix suit, and pushes Vash down onto the bed. He produces a whip from some unseen pocket and cracks the air.  
"Wha-"  
"I said shut UP! You told me last night you could do it rough! Now where's that dog collar you mentioned?" Midvalley asks as he ties Vash's wrists to the bedposts, which is really unnecessary because the blonde is paralyzed with fear.  
The Hornfreak finds said dog collar and grins at his bondage partner evilly. As he starts his little fantasy, Vash snaps out of his trance and screams at the top of his lungs. And all around the land, the tortured screams of Vash the Stampede can be heard. Mothers cover their children's ears and yaoi addicts, like Nina-chan, smile with satisfaction.  
  
*End story*  
  
(Silence around the campfire)  
  
Kids: Huh?  
  
Avy, Mel, Emmi: (collapse in laughter)  
  
Nina: Guess you liked it, eh? ^_^  
  
Kids: Uh...Don't get it...  
  
Nina: Good. You're not supposed to.  
  
Emmi, Mel, Avy: (still hysterical)  
  
Kids: But we still liked it! Tell us another story!  
  
Nina: Aw, tomorrow night. Right now we hafta go to bed.  
  
Avy, Mel, Emmi: (turning purple from lack of oxygen due to laughing)  
  
Kids: Are they okay?  
  
Nina: Oh they'll be fine. Leave 'em 'til morning and they'll start breathing again...eventually. (to Chans) Think of something sad. Vash and Nicholas are dead.  
  
Emmi, Avy, Mel: (stop cold) What?  
  
Nina: Heh heh, knew it'd work...(walks off to tent)  
  
Mel, Avy, Emmi: (look at each other)  
  
(Silence)  
  
Avy: Shut up, bitch!  
  
Emmi, Mel, Avy: return to hysteric state)  
  
Nina: (pops head out of tent) OWARI!  



End file.
